Vacation

         Restless, I can't sleep.  I have run away to Texas for a while.  I ran away with the knowledge of that my problems will still be there when I return.  But I don't care.  I am sitting on a porch listening to nature, writing by the shaky light of a candle.  My problems are not here and they can wait.  I did not run in search of clarity for I knew I would not find it.  I did not run in hopes that I would return to changed circumstances for I knew my circumstances would wait for me.  I ran because I needed to run.  I have been at this long enough to know when and how far I need to run.  I do not expect to find some revelation that I have been missing.  What I have expected to find is peace.  I have found what little I can.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't expecting more.  But more hasn't come and that's the way it is.

        One thing I have found is that serenity comes with work, not laziness.  The moments of peace that have come, have come when sweat has been falling from my brow.  The times of rest and relaxation have been the times where I have remembered most what I have run from.  I just hope that in my run home I achieve the wisdom needed to deal with my circumstances.  that is all I really truly want.  Wisdom.  Maybe I'll find wisdom in Texas.  Huh or maybe the wind will blow out my shaking light.

Slow Motion Monday

          It's a slow motion Monday.  Everything is so punctual.  Music has pierced my ears to a depth never before.  The wind that hit me seemed to lift me off the ground.  Just for a second,  but a slow motion second. I feel like God has been walking around with me all day.  I've never seen Him before so every corner I turn my anxiety increases, as I expect to meat Him.  Maybe He's in the wind that lifts me, in the music that carries me, in the imagination that has taken me to my hearts desire.  Today I saw God as I ran along the beach as the sun rose.  The wind pushing me to run farther.  The music numbing the pain of my burning thighs.  Then without warning the wind changed  directions and brought me to a sudden stand still.  For a slow motion second I stood there starring, searching. I can't describe the beauty.  And in a slow motion second it was gone

Writing in Circles

The tears are gone,  I am not really sure why.  They used to come so quickly before.  I don't understand why they have left.  Have I changed?  I can't tell if I like it.  When the tears were here I never felt more alive.  I never felt more different.  I love different.  I hope; I pray that this does not mean I am like everyone else.  I hate everyone else.  What now sets me apart?  Do I have to be set apart?  Yes I do! Is this the final thing that I must give up?  Has my quest for originality become the motive behind all of my actions?  Everything points to an answer of yes.  But is that so bad?  I want to be different is that wrong?  I don't know.  I think that it might be.  I think it is wrong because I want to be different for my own selfish reasons.  I want people to look at me and scratch their heads.  I want when I die for people to cry.  Not Because they are sad, but because they don't know what to say.  The confusion inside them of not knowing how to describe me, I want it to drive them to tears.  I want it to manifest an emotion inside of them that they have never felt and can not explain.  I want them to feel like what it's like to be me for just a little bit.  Now we are back to tears.  Its ironic that tears are what I have defined myself as.  Now that they are gone I feel undefined.  That is a horrible feeling.  So horrible it might make me cry.  Instead I am just laughing .  Sometimes I feel like life is walking in circles.  Circles of selfishness.  That is all I am and all everyone will ever be.  The silver lining, EVERYONE is selfish.  How very unoriginal.  Now I'm crying.  Because once again I am back to the Life Of Vanity. 

Amazing Grace

I don't understand why.  I know that why is the most dangerous of questions because the answer brings to light the motives behind the action.  But I want to know.  I understand the consequence of asking why and I sincerely want to know. 

I know you aren't going to tell me, because many who have asked before have still not been answered, but you had to know that wouldn't keep me from asking.  

Why me?

There is no way I ever deserve it.  I know, I know its undeserved, but I really do not deserve grace.  Amazing doesn't even begin to explain it.  Please take me home soon.  I want to thank you in person.  I want to hug you, I want to place my hands in the holes that were made.  I want to feel the pain that I caused you to bear. I want to lay at your feet because that is what you deserve.  

A Fire Within

I fear my own being is going to be my undoing.  That witch is inside of me is going to cause my own destruction.  It is like a fire that burns within my heart, and if it is not controlled it will consume me.  There in lies my paradox.  Should I learn to control that which is inside of me, or should I give in and perish in the flames that threaten me.  Some days I want desperately to control it, and others I just want to be consumed.  I have found a way to temporarily numb the spread of this fire.  Laughter, friends, games, work, they all distract me from....me.  But like a fool returns to his folly, I return to myself.  The fire rages up inside me more rapid and deadlier then before.  I have awakened a sleeping giant within my soul.  I fear I do not have what it takes to slay this giant.  

Where can I run?   Where can I hide from myself?  Every corner I turn the giant is there.  Every mirror I stare into my greatest enemy stares right back.  Does anyone else experience this?  Is there anyone out there that feels like  I do?  Or am I alone?  I don't think I'll ever really know.  The main emotion manifested by war against oneself is solitary.  Isn't that the point?  

You have no peace with yourself.  Is that not the very definition of being alone?  I know that everyone feels alone.  I don't know what this emotion is.  I have no words for it.  I am not lonely because no one is with me.  I do not mind that kind of aloneness at all.  I feel alone because I am not with me.  How is that possible? Beyond some mental disease I don't believe it is possible to explain not being with yourself.  

Perhaps I am so ..........no that makes no sense.  Perhaps I am loosing my mind.  Perhaps the fire has spread a little further then I have thought. 

 I wish the fire weren't so cold.