Perfect Love Casts Out All Fear

For some time the words I have written have been interpreted, by the few that have read them, as bitterness. I have recently gone over the pros of my youth and I see that interpretation is correct. For reasons that I wish to be discreet about my view towards women has been that of disdain. I wish now to change that pattern in my writings for it has without a doubt changed in my mind. I do however want to make one point before I continue. While I do believe my previous views were wrong I do not regret the path that has brought me to my present state. However misguided I was God spared me from many snares and falls in a very fragile time of my life.
In order to disprove something I must initially clarify that which I am now arguing against. Not so many years ago I openly loathed women. They were the butt of my jokes and they were the organism of which I blamed all of my problems. For that I must now pause and apologize. I am truly sorry. I believed women to be seductive, lying, fake, dumb, and the most cruel of creatures. While women can be all of these things they are not subject strictly to women nor do I have any right to judge or generalize for I too have been all of these things. At the time I did not see myself for who I really was...the lowest of the low, the most sinful of sinners. When you live in darkness there is no light cast onto you to show who you really are. One of the most distinctive characteristics of someone who is living in darkness (sin) is how quick they are to judge others. If we see ourselves for who we really are no offense against us will seem great, for it will be overshadowed by the light that shows our multitude of sins.
As my paper is limited, my sins are many, and I see no benefit in visiting my past sins, you will have to take my word that darkness was the path I chose for a while. My dislike towards women was fueled by sin, however it was not the primary source of my disdain. I will reveal what was but with the preface that it is of extreme difficulty for 3 reasons. The first is that it scrapes at some wounds that lay deep and despite the scars that cover them I still feel some sensation of pain. Secondly because I have rarely been this open and honest about this subject. Lastly because it shows one of my greatest weaknesses and fears. My greatest reason for my hatred towards women was because of the power a woman seemed to have over me when I let them come close. I know you may be thinking this is no new thing or secret. Let me explain further what I mean by this.
When I was very young I gave my heart to a woman. By no ones fault but my own. This young girl and I dated for 6 years. Six years that I see now as extremely pivotal in my life. For reasons I will not indulge in detail I chose to end this relationship. The pain that I felt from the tearing apart was something I can not begin to describe. However this pain is still not the reason I hated women. The reason I hated women and kept them at an arms distance for so long was because I hated myself for what I did to her. The immense pain that I caused her made me hurt inside to the point of not eating for weeks. The promises I broke, and the lies I told all destroyed who I was inside. I still remember the day as if it were a nightmare that continues to visit me. I remember what she wore, I remember the words that were yelled, I remember the things that were thrown, and worst of all I can still picture the face that starred back at me. That day took such a toll on my life that I subconsciously decided to hate every woman that came my way with some sort of interest in me. I never wanted to hurt someone the way that I did her ever again.
This defense has evolved since then to take different shapes. Now at 23 and many losses in love I know now what it means and how to love someone. To truly love someone is to sacrifice. To give up what is closest to you for the other person because you LOVE them. For me, ultimately in a weird way, that means to let go of my fear and get close enough to hurt someone again.
So to those who were worried my bitterness had corrupted me beyond repair I pray this convinces you otherwise. I have been more honest about me with these words then I ever have before. With that I also hope you use this knowledge not for an arrow in a quiver with my name on it, but for maybe a better understanding of yourself. What kind of a man would I be if I held a secret or parable that could help my fellow man to myself for fear he may use it against me? A coward. I have been a coward for to long. I have been afraid far to many years. For perfect love casts out all fear.